The Twelve Steps of Sick!Wilson Anonymous

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

(A tongue-in-cheek guide for writing our favorite kind of stories)


We admit that we are powerless over our addiction to sick!Wilson fan fiction, and although we may often neglect our personal and professional responsibilities while we indulge in this guilty pleasure, we have no desire to seek help for our affliction.  Yea, we even encourage others to appreciate and contribute to this glorious literary genre.  Therefore, it is in this spirit that we offer our 12-step program for writing sick!Wilson fics.

1. Decide what type of injury and/or illness you want to inflict upon our favorite oncologist.  Be creative.  The adult human body includes approximately 206 bones, 3 types of muscle tissue, 11 organ systems, 31 bilaterally-paired spinal nerves, about 210 cell types, and all sorts of other goodies that can be abused.  The possibilities boggle the mind.
   
   
2. Don't underestimate the sick!Wilson potential of minor injuries and/or symptoms.  A simple paper cut from opening an envelope could provide an entry point for flesh-eating bacteria, a mosquito bite could lead to severe brain inflammation from West Nile virus, an annoying cough could indicate the onset of a drug-resistant form of tuberculosis, or a persistent headache could be the first manifestation of a brain tumor or aneurysm.
   
   
3. Make sure that Wilson doesn't seek medical help right away.  Keep him in denial, or have him conceal his symptoms until the consequences are dire.  Early intervention could result in a quick, unremarkable recovery, and cause the reader to develop a severe case of sick!Wilson fictus interruptus—a condition characterized by extreme frustration and disappointment at having been deprived of a bunch of really cool medical stuff and angst.
   
   
4. Have Wilson's problem become apparent in a dramatic way, preferably one that results in some kind of injury or complication.  For example, if Wilson suddenly gasps and doubles over in pain from an acute onset of appendicitis, there's no reason why he can't fall and hit his head, causing a massive subdural hematoma.
   
   
5. Stick as many tubes and needles into our adorkably sick patient as possible.  Not only are they uncomfortable (and in some cases, embarrassing!), they can provide a nice breeding ground for bacteria to grow and thrive, leading to some rather wicked infections. *veg*
   
   
6. If the nature of Wilson's illness isn't immediately obvious, please feel free to subject him to as many tests as your little sick!Wilson heart desires—the more invasive, the better.  After all, any diagnostic procedure that requires informed consent carries some degree of risk.  Wilson could suffer from a pneumothorax after a lung biopsy, or develop an anaphylactic reaction to the CT contrast dye, requiring the skills of a professional defibrillist.  And if all else fails, stick him in the MRI of Doom! where something bad always seems to happen.
   
   
7. Never administer an injection into Wilson's IV when you can give it to him intramuscularly, preferably in his gluteus maximus.  It may be argued that it's not medically necessary, but why pass up the opportunity to give your reader a cheap thrill at the very thought of nekkid Wilson!butt?
   
   
8. Include at least one complication per fic, even if it's not directly related to the illness and/or injury that landed Wilson in the hospital in the first place.  He could suffer from an allergic reaction to a medication, aspirate a blob of Jell-O and develop pneumonia, contract E. coli from undercooked hamburger meat, go into cardiac arrest during a stress test, etc.
   
   
9. If Wilson is suffering from a fever, it should eventually become high enough to make him delirious, and thus justify the need for restraints.  The mental image of Wilson all slick with sweat, writhing and moaning...  Uh, there really was going to be a point to that train of thought somewhere.
   
   
10. Don't discharge Wilson from the hospital as soon as his condition begins to improve.  Yes, this might be deemed impractical in this current era of HMOs and other forms of managed health care, but how many times have we suspended belief a bit for the sake of an interesting plot?  Besides, the longer he's stuck in a hospital bed, the greater the chances that he'll succumb to a hospital-acquired staph infection, which could lead to sepsis—a life-threatening condition that could result in multiple organ failure and circulatory collapse, and require that Wilson be placed on a ventilator, subjected to hemodialysis, total parenteral nutrition, and possibly several transfusions of blood products.  O frabjous day!
    
    
11. When Wilson is finally well enough to go home, have him stay with House for a week or so—where further hazards may await.  He could get sick from food well past its expiration date, or trip over a pair of sneakers that House thoughtlessly left lying in the middle of the floor, causing Wilson to tear the cartilage in his knee as he twists and falls.
    
    
12. If you still can't think of anything to write about, check out sick_wilson's list of available diagnosis tags, some of the info listed in the sidebar under NEED A CONSULT?, or post a message asking for help.  Your fellow sick!Wilson addicts will be more than happy to provide plenty of diabolical suggestions inspiration.

Thanks to the always amazing silja_b for the beta. *hugs*

Comments

[housepiglet.livejournal.com]

Lolol! Excellent stuff :) I found myself blushing as I was reading parts of it *embarrassed grin*

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed. I thought you'd appreciate my warped sense of humor. Of course, you were probably appreciating some other things as well. ;)

[housepiglet.livejournal.com]

Just re-reading your list, this one made me laugh out loud and brought tears to my eyes :)

For example, if Wilson suddenly gasps and doubles over in pain from an acute onset of appendicitis, there's no reason why he can't fall and hit his head, causing a massive subdural hematoma.

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

I enjoy this harmless little vice entirely too much, don't I? ;)

Just don't laugh so hard that you fall out of your chair and hurt yourself. Wilson on the other hand... *rubs hands together in fiendish glee*

[alanwolfmoon.livejournal.com]

you know, i think i now know exactly what will be happening in my holiday fic.

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Happy to help. ;)

[xgraciela.livejournal.com]

LOL LOL LOL!

Very nice guide! I was giggling all the time! Still I think the first step is the best! Love your list of all body parts XD

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Please feel free to abuse any of the aforementioned body parts. The more, the merrier...at least for sick!Wilson fans like us. ;)

[audreyscastle.livejournal.com]

Heee, this is fantastic! I'm working on a sick!Wilson fic, and I found myself nodding along in unashamed admission at several steps. Why have him found unconscious in his office when he could collapse in Cuddy's, you know?

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Ah, a kindred soul! Glad to hear that you're working on a sick!Wilson fic. Yay!

Thanks much for the feedback. :)

[(Anonymous)]

When will your fic be up?

[audreyscastle.livejournal.com]

Soon as I get it done and beta'd....

[chase-austenfan.livejournal.com]

OMG.... #7 and #9 have rendered me "adklfajkhfdkhfak" with fangirlish glee.

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

*veg* :)

Just doin' my part to spread the sick!Wilson love.

Thanks for your comments. :)

[brigidmn.livejournal.com]

I have to say that #3 is my personal fave.

I sooo love Wilson in denial, especially if something is obviously wrong

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

"I sooo love Wilson in denial..."

Hee. Me, too. Hence the name of my WIP. :)

Thanks for the feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

[genagirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! I printed it out and highlighted - well, all of it.

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thanks! Glad you liked. :)

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

This is some excellent advice, and there are some very good ideas in there...

My favourite suggestion is definitely this one:

For example, if Wilson suddenly gasps and doubles over in pain from an acute onset of appendicitis, there's no reason why he can't fall and hit his head, causing a massive subdural hematoma.

ETA: I forgot to say that I've memmed it :D

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

"This is some excellent advice, and there are some very good ideas in there..."

Just tryin' to provide a little inspiration for my fellow addicts. So, are you feeling inspired to write a Sick!Wilson fic yet? ;)

Seriously, thanks much for your kind comments!

[daisylily.livejournal.com]

I was going to say no (because I seem to be rather uninspired at the moment) but in fact rnwannabe's thought about putting everything in one fic has got my brain working.

So...... maybe!

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Oooh, that would be great! *crosses fingers...and toes*

[rnwannabe.livejournal.com]

Very nicely done. Number eleven just makes me titter! I wonder if it is possible to include ALL of the directions in a single fic?

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

"I wonder if it is possible to include ALL of the directions in a single fic?"

You know, I'll bet that would make a great crack!fic. It would have just about everything in it except zombies. :)

Thanks for reading and commenting! *hugs*

[cat-lover-4113.livejournal.com]

I loved #9, and my mine was travelling on the same path, but that point was better than whatever you started out to write!

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Well, I was trying to keep this parody PG-13. My thoughts on the other hand... *bg*

I'm glad you enjoyed my humble efforts. :)

[mmorgan317.livejournal.com]

LOL Thank you so much for writing this! I loved it and it helped a little. I want to write a hurt!wilson fic and I'm not quite sure where to go with it and stuff like that so this helped. I kinda wish there were more fics out there so that I could read them and maybe pull bits and pieces from them or get ideas.. As it is, I've read almost ALL of them. :D

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Thanks!  So glad you like. :)

And yay! for wanting to write a hurt!Wilson fic.  We can never have too many of those around here. :D

[mmorgan317.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your reply!

That is my opinion as well, I'm just having troubles trying to decide HOW I want to hurt him. I know that I don't want it to be too serious and I think I want House and he to be dating or something but beyond that, NO clue! Any ideas? :o)

[geekygecko.livejournal.com]

Well...

Maybe our brand new We *heart* Wilson Challenge (http://community.livejournal.com/sick_wilson/379507.html) might be just what the sick!Wilson doctor ordered. :)